It used to be love...

It burns in my chest

like the Fires of Hell

the Frustration - the Anger - the Disgust

at everything you say

and everything you are

How did love turn itself upon us?

When did it all shatter and snap?

Your heart is in a million pieces,

and mine feels like hot steel.

I can't even look at you now.

It reminds me of all the

small - insignificant - annoying details

now turning into pits of Hate.

It feels like a century since I loved you,

like a story in an old, battered book

on the cruelty of life.

And there is no Happy Ending.

My inner sky is blue

My inner sky is blue.

Blue like a shiny

happy morning of Spring

when the air smells

of new blossoms and dew.

I can feel the taste

of fresh bread and butter,

sweet warm milk;

the warmth of a favourite blanket

cuddled up in the corner of an old sofa.

And just like the sun

can shine heartlessly

on the morning of a cataclysm,

my heart is shining,

breathing, pumping, feeling,

and enjoying every bit of it,

while your world

is shattered and grey.

A spectator in my own home

I've taken my decision. It is over, and I want to move on.

It selfish, and cruel. But this is who I am.

We've talked and talked, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

From here it looks like life has played a dirty trick on us...

Or maybe it was our own blindness and unwillingness to accept that we were being driven appart from each other.

We've evolved in different directions. And it is a pity.

But now we have to face it and cope, and make sure that the baby doesn't suffer too much.

I'm scared shitless that you will take her away from me.

It is me who is braking this home as you say, and I won't take her away from you. If you decide to leave and take her 22 000 km away from me, it will be a nightmare, but I'll take the bite. I can't decide to go back too, because I don't want to ever reproach her with that sacrifice. Or you.

I don't know what the month ahead will be like. We'll take it one day at a time.

All I can hold on to now, is the sensation that for the first time in a very long time, I'm not a spectator in my own home, but I am me living my life.

It is a long day...

I'm the one who said the words, and yet I am the one crying.

I guess there is no easy way to say "I think I don't love you anymore".

And now you're the one asking what you can do to make me feel better.

And all the while I know you will cry when I can't see you.

We've built so many things, made so many promises...

Our child is the most precious thing I have in this world.

And I've managed to speak these words.

The words I have been dreading for months.

But I had to. I had be honest with you and with myself.

And now I don't know how to make it up to you.

We will try to make it work somehow, we said.

But at the bottom of my heart there is little hope.

And down to my very soul I wish things had been otherwise.

And I'm trying to figure out how and when it all happened.

I just wish this day would end.

And I can't bring myself to kiss you...

Floating

I am in between

- spaces, times, worlds -

Floating.

The bubbles

Rising from my lips

Are beads of contained emotions.

From above

The sun glows

Through the murky waters where I lie,

But I keep away

From the warmth

And the light

And relish

The salt of my tears

For each of them

Tastes of freedom

And fear.