Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of success and its implications...
A year ago my perspectives seemed so reductive and frustratingly narrow.
Today everything is open: I have the whole realm of possibility in my palm, and I'm to decide which path to follow.
I am the driver. If I give myself a chance, I can make my wildest dreams come true.
Yet I am paralyzed by fear.
The more I think of the openness of my future, and the simplicity with which I could get what I've always wanted, the more fear eats my guts.
I can't believe I am so stupid to be afraid of what I've always wanted. I should be jumping up and down with joy, and energy, at the idea that with a little effort, I could bring everything together and build the life I've always dreamed of.
And here I stand, lethargic, twisted and contorted in physical pain as my body expresses how much fear there is inside.
Maybe this is the first step of my trip: facing my fear, learning to trust myself and holding on to that conviction that whatever happens next, I will cope.
So here I stand, at the edge of the pit. I can't see the bottom, and everything is dark. And I must jump. Because if I don't, I might stay here standing for a veeeery long time.
Where do you find the courage to face your deepest fears.
Where do you find the courage to look inwards, and plunge your hands into the most disgusting stuff you have inside yourself, so you can take it out and let it burn in the sun, and live YOUR life.
This is what I aspire to right now. Free myself of all the guilt and fear, and sense of obligations and protestant self-restrictive values that my dear grandmother has put in me without me even knowing...
I feel guilty for wanting so much of life. And yet I know that I'm not asking for more than what I can get from myself.
Now how silly can you get?!!
My journey to myself has actually begun a few months ago, and I'm still so far from being the soul I want to be.