I wish I knew where I'm heading to,
I wish He would reach out to me,
I wish He'd stop looking at me that way,
I wish it was all plain and simple,
I wish I could keep all our promises,
I wish I was the one You deserve,
I wish I still loved You like the first day...
I wish I knew what I really want, but I don't.
I wish I knew where I'm heading to, but the path I was following is harder than I thought.
I wish He would reach out to me, yet I also hope He won't...
I wish He'd stop looking at me that way, and I know it will hurt if He does.
I wish it was all plain and simple, though everything is blurred and twisted.
I wish I could keep all our promises, but that's impossible, isn't it?
I wish I was the one You deserve, because I have failed You in so many ways.
I wish I still loved You like the first day, but all that is left is the flicker of a candle...
I hope that your wishes come true. There seems to be a lot of pain here.
RépondreSupprimerI am sorry for letting the reigns of my life in the hands of my demons.
RépondreSupprimerThose eyes looking at you, wanting so much were no longer mine.
My confidence withered and Fear demanded I rip out of your mouth the words "I love you too" again and again. Fear ground your love for me to dust.
My pride was poisoned with Jealousy and Competition. Jealous of your success, I stopped being proud of being a stay at home dad. I couldn't let you beat me at being a parent too. Jealousy smothered my child's mother.
My respect for you was broken as I made you the enemy. The caring stopped as I required you to be invincible upon your piedestale. Depair made you my savior and tormentor.
Finally arrogance helped me I curl up into a ball for two years, blind, deaf and dumb to anybody but myself and our daughter, leaving you alone to carry us through life.
However, one thing never changed: the love I have for you. It lies unaltered craddled inside my heart.
Today, this love is the long and shiny blade that helps me slay my demons. You were right to run from the monster I had become. It forced me to look myself in the eye and confront the evil gangrene eating away at my soul and destroying your life.
The demons are not all dead or gone, but I can stand again. Confidence in myself, pride in what I do, respect for you and our daughter ,and caring for both is what I'm out to achieve again.
My demons I can confront and fight with rage, but your love I have no power over. I respect that and therefore accept that only time will tell if you can see salvation for our couple. I am finally at peace with that idea.
But I still have demons to challenge. Love and hope have been my best weapons until now. I don't intend to lay them down for the moment.